I recently watched the movie, 'Definitely, Maybe' (PG13)*. It's a romantic film, with elements of comedy in it, set mostly in New York. Most of the other moviegoers in the cinema enjoyed the movie but I was positively disturbed by it. Here's why.
The movie is the story, mostly told as a kind of bedtime story to his daughter, of a man's convoluted and troubled love life. He finds himself bouncing back and forth, over the years, between three women, finding great attraction and infatuation with each of them, at different stages almost marrying two of them, finally marrying one, and divorcing one, years after having his daughter with her. It's a quirky and intelligent movie, but the comfort and identification that I imagine most viewers felt when seeing this movie were not present in me. Instead, I felt shock, sadness, and great despair.
First, understand where I'm coming from. I was brought up in a Torah home, and I've lived as a Torah Jew all my life. All the messing around between boys and girls (inluding dating 'just because', something I still cannot grasp) has never been a part of my life. Most of the relationships I see in my circles are wholesome and stable, with virtually no externally visible intimacy; it's kept very private. In the context of today's world, I am blessed and substantially sheltered. Despite my upbringing, I am certainly not naive, and I know what relationships are like today. But the social norms and contexts that this movie illustrates still hit me hard. It shocks me that so many thousands of people, so many thousands of people who are not stupid, deal in some of the most powerful, potent, and sensitive areas of the human experience with such nonchalance, indifference, and stupidity. Why do so many people, who can do so many other things efficiently and in balanced, clever ways, utterly fail to use any intelligence when it comes to matters that are so close to the heart, matters so powerful and yet so delicate?
The free and easy touching, physical intimacy, and sex that are so prevalent in society today are a sweet poison, a glamourised bomb. They look so tantalizing, they're so appealing, they awaken and satisfy the most powerful desires known to man (and woman). And yet, especially in contexts of looseness and casualness, they are perhaps the most destructive forces in the world (besides Facebook ;))
How are these things destructive? What happens is that the growing young man or woman becomes filled with a desire for connection, connection with the opposite sex. Well, that's great, but what do we do with it? The short way is to dive right in, like everybody else does; to get a boy/girlfriend, and to get busy. That's perfectly acceptable in today's Western society (I remember, though, when there was just a little more dignity and morality than there is today.... but things have changed). When the sparkle and the excitement wears thin, as will almost inevitably happen in such cases, the couple 'breaks up', and moves on. It was fun, it was fulfilling for a while, but now I feel the emptiness again, and you're not doing it for me any more... So I look for someone new, and the cycle continues... At some point, we may marry, because it's convenient, it seems right, but after a while, the same old ghosts come to haunt us again: we're still empty, this isn't working; let's 'break up' -- in this instance, divorce.
At a game we were playing on a Shabbaton once, a 6th grade kid remarked in context, 'oh, marriage and divorce are pretty much the same thing.' I was rattled. I understood that this was not just a telling comment of a kid, but also a symptom of a generation: a generation that cannot love, a generation with hearts torn to shreds because it just can't go about love the right way. The problem with the short way to intersexual (between the sexes) fulfilment described above is that it almost never works. A young person, whose heart is full, hooks up with someone nice, someone beautiful, for the physicality of it: he's a hunk, she's gorgeous, s/he makes me feel so good. And when it's over, all of the 'me' that s/he invested in the relationship crashes to the ground. It's gone, it's over. Thinking about this picture objectively, we can come to no conclusion other than it's just plain crazy. We are taking sweet poison: it feels so good, but it breaks me up inside, tears me to shreds. Who can recover from something like that?
Not many people. So, the victims (and almost everyone is a victim) somehow pick themselves up, dust themselves off, and limp along their paths. But once burned, twice shy, and they will hesitate a lot before 'making the same mistake' as before, before committing themselves to intimacy and deep closeness with someone of the opposite sex. Why? Because it hurts so much! But the hurt is only because it failed; why not try again? Because who needs hurt like that! It might just happen again. So we build up high brick walls, and any relationships we may get into will lack the full-heartedness of our first innocent love, will be pumped with blood from a still-wounded heart. The very saddest thing about this is that it's a cycle; it happens again and again, and we rip our hearts to shreds again and again. The saddest part is also that it happens to almost everyone. What is so tragic in the movie is that the poor man lives unhappily for years, unable to find content and fulfilment. His youthful "plan" of a good, idealistic life fades into a painful game of imperfect, bittersweet relationships. Who, in a society with complete openness and explicitness of the most intimate things, can escape unharmed? Who can possibly be immune?
"Can't buy me love!", sing the Beatles and it's very true. Well, if we can't buy it, how can we get love? How can we approach love with more intelligence and less heartache? Getting back to our young, single man or woman, our first step is that s/he wants to connect with someone of the opposite sex. This is the most natural thing, and is a very positive feeling. So, once again, what do we do with it? Diving in to free, casual intimacy has proven to bring disastrous results. What is our alternative?
I'll answer with a story:
There was once a poor peasant, who earned enough to survive by peddling trinkets. One day, he had a strange and disturbing dream: he was instructed to travel to a distant city, and to dig under a bridge. There, he would find a great treasure. The peddler disregarded the dream, but it came back, night after night, until he could no longer ignore it. He packed up a little bundle of food, and set off for the faraway city. After many days he arrived at the city, and made his way to the bridge. He began to dig, but was soon stopped by a patrolling policeman. 'What are you doing?' screamed the guard. The poor peddler told the guard his story, and of his journey to come to find the treasure he had dreamt about. The guard laughed uproariously. 'Hah! Well, what do you know, I had a dream too! I dreamt that, in a faraway village, there lives a poor peddler, just like you, in a little stone hut. And hidden in the wall behind his stove is a great treasure. Dreams! What a waste of time! Hah!" The peddler said nothing, but turned himself around and set out for his village. As soon as he arrived home, he began to take apart the stone wall behind his stove. And, to his joy, he did indeed find a great treasure. He was a rich man for the rest of his life.
The story is usually rounded off by a 'moral' message that sometimes the greatest treasures are right under our noses, and that sometimes is takes a journey to discover what lay so close by. But in our case, we can learn more from this simple story: we can learn about treasure. That which is precious must be guarded and concealed, but first, it must be recognized and valued. If we don't value something, what prevents us from throwing it away, even if it is really valuable?
Physical intimacy between man and woman is a treasure; it's valuable, precious and powerful. It allows the single, incomplete man to join with the single, incomplete woman, and to bring deepest intimacy and connection between them. In fact, G-d Himself joins in their union, if it is one of morality and love. Used correctly, coupled with deep spiritual connection and responsible commitment and trust, it dispels the feelings of loneliness and emptiness in the single human being, and fills him and her with love, unity and connection. If we realize that physical intimacy is a precious tool, we will certainly not be nonchalant in our use of it. We will use it sparingly; we'll keep it in storage until we're sure the time is right for its use. We will treasure it, and keep it safe and out of the public eye. We will share it only with our closest and most trusted, with our most beloved.
This is the key that so many people are missing. In their search for real, deep fulfilment, they grab hold of the physical side of the connection gateway, because it's easy and available, and completely disregard the spiritual side, because it requires patience and restraint. But when the physical is disconnected from the spiritual, it cannot stand for very long. Time passes, lines show, bodies age. Without a solid spiritual connection, and without a solid grounding of commitment and trust, lovers, partners, and spouses drift apart; they're still empty, still haven't found what they're looking for...
So how does this relate to us? If we want to have a good shot at life without having to break our hearts many times over, let's try to recognize the sanctity and preciousness of connection between man and woman, and to preserve it as something special and private. If you have a girlfriend or boyfriend, try to minimize physical contact in public. After you've done that for a while, try only to kiss or hug people you are truly very close to; not just any acquaintance or friend. Then, go on to reserving kisses and hugs even with your boy/girlfriend for very special occasions. Ideally, work towards what G-d, in His wisdom, prescribes: don't touch anyone of the opposite sex until you're married!** All this may sound difficult, and, in the context of today's Western society's values, backward and foolish. However, if you progress slowly along, keeping in mind what we've discussed above, you will definitely see that your physical interactions become more valued and special, and less commonplace and casual. Touching will become exciting again, like it was the first few times. And all the hands-off time will allow you both to work on connecting on the spiritual side, and on the commitment to each other as human beings, without getting clouded up by the excitement and distortions of casual, free touch.
And if you haven't gotten into the world of touch with the opposite sex, hold on! You can work towards the harmony and love in your marriage even before you've met your spouse! Difficult though it may be, your restraint in these areas translates to working to minimize your own broken-heartedness and pain for the future, saving other people the same heartache too, and to maximize the depth and intimacy of your connection with your future spouse.
May we use our relationships with intelligence, love, passion and holiness. May G-d bring about the meetings and unions of His children with their soulmates.
- If you're interested in reading more about these issues, read The Magic Touch and Outside/Inside by Gila Manolson, and Doesn't Anyone Blush Anymore? by Rabbi Manis Friedman
- For an article by Gila Manolson on this topic, click here.
- The image used above is from here.
* Rated PG13. Please see here for a breakdown on the 'non-kosher' elements of the movie.
** This excludes immediate family
